I would recommend talking to a counselor and some older father's that have life experience you dont yet have. People you trust and admire. Also if you can find other couples taking turns to watch each others kids is great. Your relationship with your spouse needs to be higher priority than your kids. And that is best for your kids. If you two have a healthy relationship that is going to give them greater security.

Also know as a father of two teens these years you are in are tough. In a few years you will have more time and you might miss how much your kids need you. I know I miss those days. Parenting is hard but I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are entering a phase of life where my wife and I will have more time for each other and ourselves. Its bitter sweet. Hang in there.

You're in a difficult season and it sound like you have little support, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of parents go through the same thing when your kids are so needy. It's hard to deal with, especially after getting used to living on your own.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Around 5, kids start helping you and can take care of themselves more. By their teen years, they'll start learning and doing stuff you can't. The key is recognizing that they're a low time-preference thing, much like Bitcoin. The rewards are later when you're much older and can't really take care of yourself.

I've found that I've had to scale back on a ton of stuff that was just a waste of time. I've cut out watching TV, movies, sports, playing video games, fantasy football, etc. In a sense, you're being put through the fire and there are some priorities that need resetting to account for your kids. I know it was a tough time for me, but it ultimately led to a much better me because I had to really live out my values.

Anyway, a good night's sleep, some planning and some reliable babysitters can get you a long way. As we say in Bitcoin hold on and it'll get better.

It's worth acknowledging that what "parenting" means in modern industrialized society is a thing that has never existed before in human history -- that you, and one partner, would be sequestered in your house or apartment, attending to all the issues involved in raising kids largely by yourselves.

Much could be said about this, and it's tied to a lot of sacred cows. But it's weird. The stresses you describe are real stresses. Many people feel them. But they can be really hard to talk about. So hopefully it's been useful posting this and hearing that you're not alone.

The thing that jumps out the most is the isolation you're describing. People aren't meant to live that way. Finding a way to connect with others, and to off-load some parts of the responsibility so you can have a life of your own, too, is vital. In the USA, babysitters are normal. In other cultures, much less so, but family takes up the load.

What are the possibilities for you and your wife to get some of this kind of support?

I am sorry you feel the way you do about parenting your own kids.

Parenting can be hard for some but the thoughts you express are not typical, and suggests to be related to some underlying unresolved issue.

As one parent to another may i suggest scheduling a talk with your partner, your community head/elder, and also a trained counselor, and maybe spend less time on Stacker News, other socials, podcasts and Bitcoin in general and instead focus on your mental state and being present for your kids.

Kids see everything.

God speed.

This might ruffle some feathers but this is a failure of masculinity. Life is hard suck it up get to work. All this complaining that you can’t do this and that is very immature in my opinion. These kids didn’t ask to be here now they they are it is up to you to take care of them.

I know you are using SN to vent but I read this and I think what has happen to men? Couldn’t you have vented to a close friend or the wife cried it out and got back to the grind? Why post it here? Again I don’t mean to be disrespectful or slight your feelings or situation but life overall is a struggle and the twist and turns it takes can really drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally but as I man (which I assume you are) I will hold you to a higher standard to be strong be that bedrock that patriarch that your kids and your great grandchildren can be proud of. The foundation you lay down today will create great benefits not only for you but the human race as a whole.

I wish you well and stay strong!

you can't sip coffee while you talk to the counselor?

I hear you. Also raising 2 kids (ages 7 and 10) without extended family to help. You’re in a marathon, not a sprint. 3 things that have worked for me:

Getting on daily routine habits will create pockets of time for you and your wife to do your own thing. You can get creative here and feel the difference within a few weeks.

Reading stories to the kids before bed will give you a love-filled contrast to the Screens when your kids are older.

Lastly, finding a babysitter - even just once per month - was a game changer for me. Ask the bored parents at the indoor playground for a referral. Then you can take your wife out on a date - she’s probably burnt-out too :)

It would help being organized or sharing Kids time with your wife. I mean at least one empty day a week without children with the help of your wife. The same help could be provided by you. Thus there would be free days for both of you. One more thing: If you had a regular reading habit in your life your mind would be more relaxed than today. Do you read regularly?

Kindly

I suggest you find a way to relish the things you get to do to care for and raise them. Maybe start with the idea of "i get to do this" not "I have to do this". Trust me time flies by and those years in the future you are longing for now when your kids are grown up so you can have more of your life back you will be wishing you had a few more moments of the current chaos you are mired in.

It's not supposed to be easy. We all have our moments but relish it before it passes you by without taking the time to appreciate it.

I’m proud of you for being honest about how you feel. Parenting is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do and you are entirely justified in whatever you’re feeling. Having kids is a cage, but so being in your 50’s and realizing you spent your life focusing on a career and yourself and while your peers are finding meaning and joy welcoming grandchildren into their lives you are becoming increasingly irrelevant to a professional world where you are very replaceable. Find some support. Talk to a counselor or even better find a church.

A bit earlier in my parenting journey but I can start to imagine how you feel.

Was it always this hard to be a parent, historically? Are we low-testosterone government-suckled adult children who are allergic to setting boundaries and defaulting to letting our wives set the entire frame for the family, together with our kids? Things I ask myself sometimes. 😁

I feel for you. Given you have a 4 year old and a near 1 year old, trust me, you are right in the hardest part right now. It gets much easier - nappies, buggies disappear, kids start fending for themselves and expressing themselves more and more. A good parenting adage - this too will pass.. They also get less cute, so don’t wish it away!

As they get a bit older, try and find some good reliable babysitters and make sure you have quality time out with your wife too, talking about something other than kids!!

We also had very little support. On the one hand, I needed solitude, on the other hand I needed real company. My friends were almost all single and still having fun, being very fit and the worst part, many of them criticizing how I stopped doing the things I love and stay in good health.

I am a high performer in my field, and I always told my wife I felt like those incredibly smart animals, like orangutans in the zoo trapped inside a small cage.

My kids are now 2y/o and 6y/o. Things are still tiring some days, but nothing compared to when the little one was smaller. We just had that breakthrough a-ha moment when things feel easier. I am borderline exhausted 70% of the days, but I also have a great time most of the days. My older one makes me laugh often doing silly things or saying stupid jokes. YMMV but they will eventually give you your loved time.

I deeply thanks my friends who had two kids and listened to me every time I needed it. No judgement or bullshit tips. When kids are sick we don't need any tricks. We need a helping hand or a hearing ear.

If anything, remembering the Stoic philosophy ("the obstacle is the way") and reminding me that I used to whine about just anything before kids kept me sane. Thanks to my kids I am much tougher than I would have ever been. Many people choose not to have kids because life will be easier, but they are missing on the opportunity of becoming super-human. I have now literally not eaten anything for 24 hours, walked more than 10 hours straight with a child on a 100 F day in my arms, and felt like nothing was going on. Who else can do that?

Hang in there.

Not completely in the same situation as you, but I do have 2 kids under 2. My solution was waking up an hour to an hour and a half before anyone else did and getting a good workout in.

We are lucky to have my wife's parents for support. I would never leave my kids with anyone else though. It's rough sometimes bc they constantly need entertainment and we dont give them screen time so its all on us haha.

Our kids seem to become less annoying when they turn 2. That takes longer than it seems possible. Our last 2 spent the first 2 years in our bed. None ever would take a soother or a bottle. Our youngest would not even use chew toys for teething. Just screaming. Right now she is getting 5 teeth at once.

But watching them learn and implement the ideas, values and critical thinking that u teach them is amazing. You have the chance to pass on so much, to help form the next generation.

Of course none of that means u won't get burnt out, or that its wrong or anything I think good parents prob get more burnt out. I hope u find peace in the gift of fatherhood.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Also, push learning to read. If they love books, one day they will want to read non stop. Then u get time, it's cheaper than devices, and way less chance of them being unnoticeably influenced by internet creeps or normies.

If u go for a counselor, find one that will hold u accountable and not just blame everyone/thing else. Also stear clear of any that might just try to convince u to become a tranny.

curious about your experience @Darthcoin 👀

Thanks for sharing. Not something I expected to read on SN, but I'm glad you vented.

I also have 2 kids. It's a big change & I do miss my old life. But instead of dwelling on the past, it's better to just go with it in the present.

Hope you don't give up, & yes please talk to the councilor.

And suddenly, my life doesn't seem that shitty anymore.

Totally understandable. It’s very tiring to be a good father.

One thing that I help me is I realised that the only thing we can control is my own feeling. It’s very tempting to think “I will be so much happier if I have more free time “ but that’s usually not true.

Imo the whole point of life is being a good person and do good hard work and parenting is one of it. I learnt to appreciate it

Man.. i feel you, im a late dad in my early 40s, Oldest have now 4 and youngest 1year old.. Both expats witth no direct support of family because of distance, It affected me in so may ways.. And yes, its hard.. I like to think it will pass and im pretty sure we will miss it one day.. But yes, hard af meanwhile.. Stay strong buddy

I feel for you. My wife and I are lucky that my parents are still quite helpful despite being pretty old. When they're unavailable for a few weeks in a row, things definitely start getting more difficult.

If you feel like you need more help, it might be worth talking to your wife about it, even if it's going to be a difficult conversation.

Is there anyway you can get help from other parents? Maybe your 4 year old can have more play dates.

Thanks for sharing. It seems like you don't need to talk to the counselor but you do need to talk to yourself and be honest about everything that is really bothering you and divide it into pieces and see where you can start. A 4-year-old son is a gift for sure, perhaps find a way to have more in common with him than just a playground? Two-man project? (well, one and a half exactly but you know what I mean). You can nicely split this into boys and girls club :-) Smaller, easier to manage. I don't know, take him to see a sunrise from the mountaintop on Saturday morning, teach him about wild animals on Sunday and take a walk in the woods with no toxic air around, teach him how to fish, fishing takes patience and kids have very little of it maybe try to integrate a life lesson into it, catching the first fish is rewarding. You will bond better with the little one so he will not be a "burden" or just another responsibility. Not everyone has a support system and even when someone does, ultimately everything depends on you. You do need a space for yourself to find your inner peace, your heart is in a good place and you will do fine. It seems you just need a little organizing which is not as easy as it seems. Baby steps, start small but you have to be honest with yourself and understand what's really bugging you. It all starts with YOU, not the therapist. One smart man once said "...You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartaches and tears If you've cheated the guy in the glass..." Dale Wimbrow

Are you located in Korea by any chance as an esl teacher? I can give you some country specific tips then...