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301 sats \ 4 replies \ @elvismercury 5 Nov 2023 \ on: Confessions of a burnt-out father meta
It's worth acknowledging that what "parenting" means in modern industrialized society is a thing that has never existed before in human history -- that you, and one partner, would be sequestered in your house or apartment, attending to all the issues involved in raising kids largely by yourselves.
Much could be said about this, and it's tied to a lot of sacred cows. But it's weird. The stresses you describe are real stresses. Many people feel them. But they can be really hard to talk about. So hopefully it's been useful posting this and hearing that you're not alone.
The thing that jumps out the most is the isolation you're describing. People aren't meant to live that way. Finding a way to connect with others, and to off-load some parts of the responsibility so you can have a life of your own, too, is vital. In the USA, babysitters are normal. In other cultures, much less so, but family takes up the load.
What are the possibilities for you and your wife to get some of this kind of support?
I think it would really help if my wife cooks less often (she cooks 6 days out of 7) and orders takeout more so that we can free up time to do stuff that is fun for me (instead of going to the supermarket omg). But food is her love language. Thanks for posting the question though. It reminds me that parenting is a team sport
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One thing I try to be mindful of are the different tradeoffs I'm implicitly making. For instance, there's a bunch of yard and house maintenance I could do, or I could pay someone else to do it. The nature of my job is such that I work a lot of hours, and so, even though paying someone money to do this stuff really bothers me, there's a larger question afoot: is this what I want to spend my life on? Is this the best use of two hours, or whatever?
Often the answer is no. The two hours are worth more to me than whatever it would cost to get someone else to do it. And that's time I can allocate to things that are precious. This is very obvious but it took me decades to figure it out. And, to be fair, the answer changes over time. At 20 it would have made no sense to pay for the stuff I now pay for.
Anyway, point is, this is such a common thing that I figured I'd raise it. If your wife loves cooking, maybe that's great. But maybe going to the store is less great. And while it would be a great indulgence to pay for it, maybe it's actually a good investment, given the other things that you've said. Maybe an hour of time spent doing something that fills your cup is really valuable. Only you can know.
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Or pay my son sats to do some of the household chores I would rather outsource. Thanks, mate, for detailing your thought process and money-time philosophy
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This hits the nail on the head. Western society (esp in the US) has evolved in ways that just don't meet many of our emotional and psychological needs as humans.
I have a three year old daughter, and my wife and I don't live close to any family. I can absolutely relate to OP's isolation. I can't imagine having two kids right now. Fortunately, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Every few months she becomes slightly more independent or at least more capable of understanding and following directions. I've heard 5 is when you start getting some of your life back.
Anyhow, I need to get my kid dressed...
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