I am writing this on the advice of my best friend. He told me to consider my next decision carefully, as it would be the most important one I make in my whole life.

I agree with him on that. The decision I am about to make is to propose to my girlfriend of three years.

I love her dearly. She is my best friend and number one confidante. She makes me laugh. She cares for me. She makes me happy. Without her, I would be incomplete. I am generally independent, and quite strong on my own, but if I lost her I know I would crumble. She lights my world. Her good qualities are much more than I will recount in this letter, for surely you will remember these. What you are more likely to forget is what I'll concern myself in this letter. I know the strange workings of a man's mind that forgets what is not agreeable and builds it's identity on a tower of confirmation bias. So let's not lose focus, and get to the roots of my hesitations.

She also is stubborn. This kills me when we argue, because I end up feeling I am just looking in the mirror at my own stubbornness. We disagree on some things, as most couples likely do. Like when we talk about having a family, which she does not do very freely. She is very focused on the present day and will say she doesn't know if she wants kids. I understand not being ready to dive in and do it, because I was once there, but I think for as long as I was an adult I can remember wanting to have a family of my own. When I try to talk about it with her, I get an exhasperated, "I don't know." She knows I want to, so I fear she avoids talking about it so not to let me down by telling me the truth.

The truth. Maybe she doesn't know what the truth is. After all, that is what she tells me. Ought I to take her at her word? But fear clouds judgement, does it not? Makes us lie to protect what we love?

Since you are me, then perhaps you remember how this feels. You know, then, that my best friend advised considering the choice deeply and with the best intentions. He does so, however, with some fear, for he too knows how my love's certainty doesn't equal my own.

She, he and I begin all to dip into the wells of fear, which is a better servant than it is a master.

I have previously chosen to live my life guided by grace, not by fear, for I was told by a dear teacher of mine that when we start to decide things based on fear and desolation, then we act as isolated individuals detached from the good graces of our community and our eternal Master. Fears are private and ugly, and don't like rearing their heads where they are not understood. But hope is generous, and beautiful when shared. It is communal. It allows us to connect on faith in the good in the world. Acting in hope means we are connected to the hopes of each other, of God and his good children.

The fearful decision: do not. Wait and see.

The hopeful decision: trust. Listen to my heart accept the unknowing, believe in a brighter future, in the ability to discern and accept the truth graciously.

You are older, surely, and hopefully wiser than I am today. You know the answer to these questions, and you likely will read this with a kind and understanding smile. You will know, also, that I will not be led by fear, as long as I can discern where that fear lay and where it does not.

I will continue to meditate and pray on the decision. I know what is certain and that is this: I must not be motivated by fear, but try to discern and accept the truth.

Forever yours, FR

P.s. @remindme in 12 years.