Yeah, it's most likely building shitcoin factories, but there is a little part of that that could result in cheaper, faster, more private, self sovereign bitcoin payments

No, this is not realistic (at least in my opinion).
Other projects have tried to introduce smart contracts to the Bitcoin network, but without success.
Bitcoin is Bitcoin...there is no need to compare it to others...and yes...I don't think Bitcoin is not a cryptocurrency. There is Bitcoin and there is crypto, they are two different things.

Yes. It's shitcoinery