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You don’t truly learn about Bitcoin until you take it into your possession, and we should develop an outstanding user experience that matches that behavior.

And "move to X then Y" is not sufficiently magical and outstanding in your opinion?

Things might improve a bit if coinbase supported "bare" multisig addresses

That would eliminate the middle step, though I still maintain that if your grandma is "scared" of a middle step then she is not being reasonable. Consider calmly and rationally explaining to her why the middle step is there ("coinbase doesn't support this address type" -- see? it takes 6 words) rather than acting as if she is incapable of doing anything other than a one click experience, or incapable of overcoming irrational fears

The burden is on us to create the most beautiful, simplistic, and dare I say magical user experience that could possibly exist

No, that is an unnecessary and overburdensome task. No one needs an experience that perfect because good enough is good enough, and since no one needs that perfect experience, no one needs to build it.

I disagree that we should be ok with a user experience that requires human onboarding.

Sure, I can explain to my grandmother how to move funds to a multisig output. My grandmother trusts me, and I can explain things simply enough that she can mostly follow along.

But not everyone has that. We should be making consumer experiences that are seamless to use, and seamless to understand. Bitcoin self-custody should be self-serve, and it should be designed in a way that is simple to understand.

Step 1) Write down 3 seed phrases
Step 2) Create an address to receive funds
Step 3) Move funds from Coinbase to that vault’s address

Anything more complicated than that makes it scary for a first time user to follow, unless they have a person they know holding their hand.

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Who is going to tell her to do step 1? That person can also tell her to do this alternative process:

Step 1) Write down 3 seed phrases
Step 2) Create bare multisig address
Step 3) Move funds from Coinbase to site that supports bare multisig
Step 4) Move funds to bare multisig address

Anything more complicated than that makes it scary

It is an irrational fear and you can help any first time user overcome it easily

I disagree that we should be ok with a user experience that requires human onboarding

There is no service anywhere that does not require human onboarding. They all require human onboarding. Literally, every single one, there are no exceptions. That one you're thinking of that might be an exception? Yeah, that one requires human onboarding too.