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Are you asking me, specifically, why I'm not not a believer in the safety/efficacy of vaccines in general?

If so, as a starting point I'd point you to the recent interview that Aaron Siri gave on the Dark Horse podcast (with Brett Weinstein). The interview was fascinating. It's not where I started, but it's a good intro and it's very recent.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0iNJnENTx55PYnrroJxHOj.