decided to write it as a greentext because it's hilarious... obviously not a real story

be me
25yo NEET living in mom's basement
decide to finally touch grass after 3 years

walked outside for my daily $session$ of pretending to be normal human

see qt3.14 at coffee shop
she does that thing where she $smile$s at me
ohshit.jpg

somehow don't fuck it up completely

6 months later we're talking $marriage$
her dad is boomer who only communicates in dad jokes and $lyrics$ from 80s songs
mfw I have to pretend I know who Journey is

meet her extended family

her $cousin$ shows up
literal gigachad
6'4" jawline could cut diamonds
meanwhile I look like if Gollum and a Discord mod had a $couple$ baby

wedding day arrives

priest starts ceremony
has to $announce$ that if anyone objects speak now or forever hold your peace
schizo uncle stands up
starts ranting about how the $antenna$ on the church is receiving CIA mind control signals
based

reception is pure chaos

trying to $orient$ myself to find the bathroom
get lost in venue
it's literally designed like a $maze$
take 45 minutes to find exit
everyone thinks I ditched my own wedding

honeymoon night

wife wants to "consummate"
tell her I need to $cover$ myself, so i put on my robe and wizard hat
she asks why
explain it's for "optimal performance"
she leaves
sleep $outside$ on hotel balcony
best night of my life

mfw I'm now divorced
mfw I have to move back with mom
ngmi but at least I have my sats

Seed: $session$ $smile$ $marriage$ $lyrics$ $cousin$ $couple$ $announce$ $antenna$ $orient$ $maze$ $cover$ $outside$

nobody will ever suspect it's actually a wallet because who the fuck would hide financial instruments in a story about a NEET's failed marriage caused by autism