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510 sats \ 1 reply \ @justin_shocknet 11h \ parent \ on: Becoming fearful with age FiresidePhilosophy
I think the difference is framing, which can be learned, be it with some practice...
Worrying about the ants eating wood or your car stopping when you expect it to is what leads you to do maintenance. Your worry isn't specifically about those things happening, but worrying that you failed to prevent them.
If, after you've done everything nagging in the back of your mind to prevent them, then what you don't have is worry... what you have is the absence of worrying about something more pressing.
You are not not literally absent of worry about more pressing things though, I don't think anyone has that privilege. Ants eat wood, this is as god intended, shit happens... so what is the real worry? Is it about the money if that happens? Then your not taking action on the money side and that is the source of anxiety hiding behind the more superficial thing... perhaps because you feel out of control there and don't see a path out yet, so you push it out of mind. Spraying for ants may actually be a form of escapism, not unlike playing video games or drinking. The tax worry would puzzle piece in there nicely. Thoughts have layers.
I'm neurotic about my kids too, iirc my oldest is ~ the same age as yours... that obviously serves to keep our heads on a swivel. Even when it feels ridiculous to react to nothingburgers, or when intrusive thoughts won't stop, it also serves to make us better fathers who do not take them for granted. Your time on earth with your son will be better spent for it.
Once you start to see your actions as more deliberate, you'll realize there's an endless number of things you could worry about, like a meteor falling out of the sky and killing you in your living room, that you can do fuck-all about and have to surrender to.
Surrender of what's outside your circle of control is freedom from baggage that allows you to focus on what is inside your circle of control.
Strangely enough, I rarely worry about existential things (meteors and the like). My experience of worry is usually worry about minutiae that I escalate in mind to near existential level.
Now, I often end up feeling pretty proud of myself when plans work out smoothly because of excessive preplanning or hyper vigilance on my part.
However, I also notice that I can get very worried about a small thing -- is that infected cut on my kid's toe going to turn into something way worse? -- when the reality is that it will not turn into something way worse.
I don't want my kids to pick up some level of hypochondria about small cuts. I believe they will be better humans if they have more realistic levels of concern about their health than I generally do. I also believe they will be more effective in life if not as prone to worry as myself.
I hope that my worry makes me a better father, but it does take me out of the moment.
Over the last few years, I've really been quite consciously trying to reduce the amount of time I allow myself to spend with worry. I think it has largely made my life better.
But I take your point taking action on the source of worry. In most cases that is the best course of action.
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