Becoming fearful with age \ stacker news ~FiresidePhilosophy

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1299 sats \ 26 comments \ @stack_harder 16h FiresidePhilosophy

I have a trip coming up for a week or two, nothing major, just a wedding in Spain, and a trip back to the UK, and I can't help feeling a sense of anxiety, even though I'll be seeing my best friend again for the first time in almost a decade.

It's a kind of low-grade fear almost. I think I'm more afraid of dying now or something.

Maybe it's because I'm older now, maybe it's because I haven't been abroad for 7 years, and have settled into a kind of low-stress routine. Maybe it's just low T or age, maybe it's constantly reading about stabbings and crime and what a shithole the UK is now - maybe all of the above?

The funny thing is, in my 20s, I was back and forth to London and Moscow probably 4 times a year, my friends and I would take trips to Europe and other places, and I was always traveling. Shit, I first went to Moscow at age 19, pre-smartphones, pre-map navigation, no fear (and 2004 Russia was nothing like a pedestrian EU country!). Hailing cabs on the street every day and haggling the lowest price, taking 15-hour train rides, and getting drunk with random Russians in the restaurant cart, hitting the bars and clubs every weekend, floating around the streets at 4am - you name it, I was probably doing it.

I was absolutely fearless back then, and now look at me!

One thing that changed was having a kid, I remember my first flight after my daughter was born, and I felt a new pang of fear on the plane, something that was never there before. A kind of thought like, if this plane goes down, what will happen to my daughter?

Frankly, it kind of sucks.

Not that I will let it stop me, of course, but I do miss the brave young man I used to be sometimes.

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10 sats \ 1 reply \ @freetx 15h

I think its very natural to dislike travel as you grow older, that has certainly happen to me.

When I was in my 20-30s I had to travel lots for work....I think at one point I had accrued 725,000 airline miles. I flew weekly.

Now I basically dislike travel....I mean I still like visiting my friends, but I wish I could just teleport there and teleport back that night.

The whole routine of trains, planes, and automobiles wears thin. Especially things like sleeping in different beds, dealing with different timezones, languages, routines, etc.

In my youth none of that really bothered me too much, I even relished it....but now it definitely causes a low-level anxiety of dealing with it.

5 sats \ 0 replies \ @d680ecaa8e 14h

Everything becomes aged with time.

34 sats \ 1 reply \ @Enemy_of_the_state 8h

This sounds like low T could be an issue. Carnivore, weights (will raise T) fasting, discipline (for mental toughness)

Don’t look like a target and you won’t be one - be the hunter - sometimes the best move is not negotiation or escape, but to attack. Speed and violence of action.

Get trained. If it’s knives and fists you need to worry about, get trained on how to counter them. Just like bitcoin, you have to humble yourself before it’s useful.

Don’t think with your emotions: keep the “monkey-brain” in its cage no matter what is happening.

Do things that are uncomfortable that will shock your system, and keep functioning. Can you still think clearly after being punched in the face? Have you EVER BEEN punched in the face?

Things that every man should consider.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Signal312 7h

Sorry to be predictable but - YES to going carnivore potentially helping with this issue.

I became a lot less anxious after a couple months on carnivore. Especially in social situations - I'm much more likely to walk up to someone and start a conversation, now.

138 sats \ 0 replies \ @plebpoet 10h

come on a short trip with me, it won't be scary

so just before I read this post, I was here #1045952

and this post has a set of related posts at the bottom, the first one is #411269 the first ~BooksAndArticles newsletter

the top post which is included in that newsletter happens to be my post: #405904

Where I quoted this passage from a book I read years ago:

"People never talk about the insanity of the decision to start a family with everything an adult knows about the world, or about the terrible sensation of risk that descends on a man, I mean a man in particular, a creature used to relative speed and strength and power, when he has children. All at once you are vulnerable in ways you may never have been before. Before I was a father I’d felt safe."

^^ is that kinda what you're talking about? I always thought the sentiment was kinda dark, so maybe you don't mean that

50 sats \ 6 replies \ @Undisciplined 15h

I can relate.

Hopefully you never have to find out, but I suspect having a kid to protect will also make you infinitely braver in the face of a real immediate threat.

42 sats \ 5 replies \ @WeAreAllSatoshi 15h

I haven’t had a real test, but I feel that way, too. It’s immediately time to step up when your child needs defending

60 sats \ 4 replies \ @Undisciplined 15h

When our daughter was a newborn I told my wife that I wanted a bumper sticker that said "Baby on board: Rear end me and I will end you"

42 sats \ 3 replies \ @WeAreAllSatoshi 15h

My wife says “baby on board” stickers are unsafe because they make you targets for people praying on distracted people in parking lots.

She’s probably not wrong

92 sats \ 0 replies \ @Scoresby 14h

This to me actually gets at the heart of the OP: the odds of your kid getting snatched in a parking lot are low. The way you change your child by too zealously protecting them may be more likely to harm them.

(I wrestle with this tension daily. I have mostly, I think, been too protective of my children...so take the above as a confession not admonishment).

50 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined 14h

She probably isn't wrong, but I thought fair warning was warranted considering how hyper-protective I was feeling.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @WeAreAllSatoshi 14h

That’s fair!

reply on another page

135 sats \ 0 replies \ @krispy_donkey 10h

Can you pinpoint approximately when in the 7 years since you last travelled abroad that you became a fucking pussy? STFU get on the fucking place you first world privileges POS and enjoy a lovely holiday on Spain that 99% of people in the history of existence have not and never will experience. The baby calamari in particular is recommended. I have nothing against you personally, I’m sure you are a nice guy, this is a shock an awe tactic because some people need to be suplexed in order to remind them that gravity exists. The same goes for 99% of the navel gazing posted that comprise stacker news’ front page.

Enjoy and have fun, I am jealous!

54 sats \ 0 replies \ @siggy47 14h

I definitely have travel related anxiety now, which I never experienced when I was younger. I don't worry about death or crime. Mine is a general anxiety about preparing for the trip, getting to the airport, dealing with security, etc.

21 sats \ 5 replies \ @Scoresby 14h

Is bravery just not thinking about what could go wrong? I too notice myself becoming more focused on things that might go wrong. But from my current perspective as a parent and as someone who's body doesnt heal like wolverine anymore (sure tool that part of youth for granted) the thinking about the consequences thing seems more necessary.

However, I recently was trying to objectively evaluate: has there ever been a time when my worrying about a thing has been useful? My conclusion was that fear of dramatic outcomes (violence while traveling, sudden discoveries of awful health, etc...) have never helped me avoid misery, but have largely contributed to me feeling miserable. I don't know how to act on this observation, but it strikes me that I would so well to ignore most of the age-induced fear that I experience.

102 sats \ 3 replies \ @justin_shocknet 13h

has there ever been a time when my worrying about a thing has been useful?

Every time, it's an instinct for good reason... A biological/spiritual call to action. Anxiety is relieved only through action.

Every backup or plan you make, every glance to your periphery, serves a purpose. Embrace the panic, it's a gift.

17 sats \ 2 replies \ @Scoresby 8h

Perhaps you have a stronger psyche than me, for I find that I am constantly worrying about all manner of things -- most of which were never very likely to occur and my worry is mostly a waste of time.

I worry that there are carpenter ants eating the framing in my house because I once saw one. I worry that my boy has appendicitis because he said he had a tummy ache. I worry that I somehow screwed up my taxes when I filed them and they're going to come after me. I worry that there is something wrong with the brakes on my car because they sometimes make a funny noise.

You're right, worry can spur you to action. But I find that for myself, the action doesn't always remove the worry. I can spray for bugs or get the brakes checked, but I'll be right back to worrying about it in a day or two.

every glance to your periphery, serves a purpose.

I agree with this mostly, and yet I'm worried it is leaching out my ability to enjoy life.

510 sats \ 1 reply \ @justin_shocknet 7h

I think the difference is framing, which can be learned, be it with some practice...

Worrying about the ants eating wood or your car stopping when you expect it to is what leads you to do maintenance. Your worry isn't specifically about those things happening, but worrying that you failed to prevent them.

If, after you've done everything nagging in the back of your mind to prevent them, then what you don't have is worry... what you have is the absence of worrying about something more pressing.

You are not not literally absent of worry about more pressing things though, I don't think anyone has that privilege. Ants eat wood, this is as god intended, shit happens... so what is the real worry? Is it about the money if that happens? Then your not taking action on the money side and that is the source of anxiety hiding behind the more superficial thing... perhaps because you feel out of control there and don't see a path out yet, so you push it out of mind. Spraying for ants may actually be a form of escapism, not unlike playing video games or drinking. The tax worry would puzzle piece in there nicely. Thoughts have layers.

I'm neurotic about my kids too, iirc my oldest is ~ the same age as yours... that obviously serves to keep our heads on a swivel. Even when it feels ridiculous to react to nothingburgers, or when intrusive thoughts won't stop, it also serves to make us better fathers who do not take them for granted. Your time on earth with your son will be better spent for it.

Once you start to see your actions as more deliberate, you'll realize there's an endless number of things you could worry about, like a meteor falling out of the sky and killing you in your living room, that you can do fuck-all about and have to surrender to.

Surrender of what's outside your circle of control is freedom from baggage that allows you to focus on what is inside your circle of control.

17 sats \ 0 replies \ @Scoresby 6h

Strangely enough, I rarely worry about existential things (meteors and the like). My experience of worry is usually worry about minutiae that I escalate in mind to near existential level.

Now, I often end up feeling pretty proud of myself when plans work out smoothly because of excessive preplanning or hyper vigilance on my part.

However, I also notice that I can get very worried about a small thing -- is that infected cut on my kid's toe going to turn into something way worse? -- when the reality is that it will not turn into something way worse.

I don't want my kids to pick up some level of hypochondria about small cuts. I believe they will be better humans if they have more realistic levels of concern about their health than I generally do. I also believe they will be more effective in life if not as prone to worry as myself.

I hope that my worry makes me a better father, but it does take me out of the moment.

Over the last few years, I've really been quite consciously trying to reduce the amount of time I allow myself to spend with worry. I think it has largely made my life better.

But I take your point taking action on the source of worry. In most cases that is the best course of action.

102 sats \ 0 replies \ @Car 13h

Is bravery just not thinking about what could go wrong? I too notice myself becoming more focused on things that might go wrong.

“Nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust and ambition look ahead.” C.S. Lewis

I love what Sr. Mary Grace says, ask for boldness and fearlessness. It works.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @justin_shocknet 14h

The weight of responsibility, few.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @denlillaapan 6h

Yep, definitely.

Also the disruption of routines and workouts and life rhythm... ugh, moving about is so meeeeessy.

Young me wouldn't even comprehend that sentiment, blinded by adventures

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @nomainvest 9h

If you have the balls to HODL over cycles and are still here now, you have the balls to do anything, my friend! I am also entering that age, last year I "missed" two trips that I had planned, just because on the day I thought "I just rather stay at home", but that was not fear or anything, it was change of preferences and my own "right to choose" of what would make me happier. Come to Spain, eat and drink like the locals and go back home to your family with a smile in the face!

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Bone 12h

I can’t remember who said this, but they essentially boiled “life phases” down to two: child or parent.

As black and white as it is,, it’s also rather attractive and beneficial, especially in our day and age where people seem to be stuck in childhood. It seems I want to put labels on every little phase of my life, but in reality, what separates life in half is the act of producing a new life out of your own.

Embracing which phase you are in could help propel you toward parenthood, and, once you’re there, realize that your life has undergone a paradigm shift, leading you into new directions with new responsibilities never before possible.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @pappasbland 14h

This definitely sounds familiar, especially what you said about the first flight after your daughter was born. I share those same feelings, but the other stuff I'd describe not so much as fear but more like, I just don't want the hassle. Traveling used to be so much easier and affordable and you could be spontaneous without breaking the bank. Not so much anymore, unless you drive. Which has its benefits. I've come to love road trips here in the US, but I do miss the UK and EU rail network. I have no love for air travel right now though, no desire to get on a plane whatsoever. -Tom

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Dayan29 12h outlawed

stackers have outlawed this. turn on wild west mode in your /settings to see outlawed content.