Parent Corner: Bedtime is fiat \ stacker news ~alter

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400 sats \ 7 comments \ @Undisciplined 2 Jun alter_native

For about three years, we had a bedtime routine that worked very well and a kid that slept clear through the night in her own room.

For the past two years, bedtime has been a struggle. We made various adjustments, but they were never more than short-term bandages. Nighttime almost always turned into a battle of wills.

So, we gave up. No more bedtime. We go to bed when we're tired, or when the kid asks us to read to her. She usually wants to sleep in our room, which we only let her do if she's being quiet and trying to sleep, otherwise it's off to her own room. Being loud and wild in our room late into the night had been our breaking point.

The results aren't ideal, but the struggles are much reduced and she's sleeping in her room more often, because it's where she can stay awake if she wants.

What are some standard parenting practices that you've just abandoned entirely?

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169 sats \ 1 reply \ @DannyM 2 Jun

I'm not a parent yet, so my advice probably doesn't hold as much water as others' in this thread, but: kids are people too.

Their world view is smaller, their brain is still developing, and they don't yet understand all the implications of their choices, but they are still human beings!

Bedtime, mealtime, and similar rules can feel arbitrarily restrictive when they see the adults around them operating by different standards.

"But daddy doesn't go to sleep this early, why should I?" "Mommy doesn't always eat at the same time, why should I?"

Kids have an innate sense of fairness, and when they see different rules for different people without understanding the reasoning, it can feel unjust.

If we want them to develop good judgment, perhaps giving them small opportunities to practice decision-making (even if the results aren't perfect) teaches them more than forcing compliance ever could!

10 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 2 Jun

That's right. One of the best parenting tricks is to offer two options, instead of just insisting on a particular thing. That way they get to make a decision for themselves and they're still doing something within parameters set by the parents.

42 sats \ 1 reply \ @OT 2 Jun

I'm starting to have this issue with our 4yo. I think if we just go to bed he will get scared by himself and will follow us. I prefer him have a few books read to him before bed but it doesn't always work out.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 2 Jun

Yes, getting scared eventually and following us to bed is what usually happens.

Since it's her choice to follow us, she's usually a bit more cooperative.

42 sats \ 0 replies \ @grayruby 2 Jun

It's past 11pm and my daughter is still up. Finally winding down.

57 sats \ 1 reply \ @guerratotal 2 Jun

We did the same with mealtimes. We used to fight over “you have to eat now” or “finish everything on your plate.” Total chaos, power struggles, tears (sometimes ours too). One day, we just dropped the whole script. Now we offer food regularly, but whether they eat or not is totally up to them. Shockingly, they don’t starve, and mealtime is actually peaceful.

Sometimes the battle does more damage than the thing you're trying to enforce. Fiat bedtime, fiat mealtime… maybe a lot of parenting is just figuring out which battles were invented by someone else.

5 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 2 Jun

I believe that completely.