Roly Poly Gang Gang 7

I knew this older stoner guy growing up that truly thought he understood life, love and women, and he'd constantly try to pass on his wisdom to me. Most of his advice was abso-ludicrous absurd bullshit; things like "A pussy is supposed to smell bad. If it doesn't that means she just took it to the doctor's and there's something wrong with it," and "Chicks with braces give the best head because they overcompensate,"' or "Never tell a girl you love her because once you do she'll poke a hole in your condoms and make you get her pregnant without telling you." Most of what he said went in one ear and out the other. I assumed that he'd done too many drugs in his time, and disregarded his insight anytime he tried to offer it. I really only hung out with him because he was old enough to buy beer. But there was one thing that he said that I think is a very true and helpful guideline to offer a young man on his way through life, and that is, "Whoever you end up marrying you'll eventually get tired of fucking, so before you get married you have to make sure you fuck one of every type of girl. That way when you close your eyes when you're sticking it to your wife, you can imagine any woman in the world. Like a mental Rolodex." Now, when he said one of every type he meant: an older woman, a virgin, a blonde, a redhead, a JAP, a Jap, a Puerto Rican, a mom, a married chick, an anorexic chick. a fat chick and so on. For some reason he never mentioned black women, but whatever, I thought to myself, This is a great goal to set for myself. I'm going to have sex with one of every type of woman in the world and then I'l know I'm ready to settle down. That was when was 13, and think over the past 18 years I've done a fairly good job of crossing off most nationalities and body types from the list, with the exception of any- thing remotely Asian (that includes Filipinos and Panamanians). The reason for their omission is because my father was killed in the bombing of Pearl Harbor and I have never really forgiven the Asian people for his death. As for everyone else, I've successfully had a wide variety of women, from midgets to lofty professional basketball playyers; pristine super models to armless birth-defected mutants; hairy. bushed, unshaved armpit hippies to completely hairless cancer patients. It's safe to say I've had them all and (cue the music) I did them all myvyyyy waaaay. Funny thing is that the kid who started me on my quest so many years back with all his "wisdom" and "understanding" of the opposite sex started his to-do list with a fat chick and never got any further. I think he's married to her to this day. I imagine when he closes his eyes he sees nothing, save for the fires of hell

#absurdist #absurdism #degenerate #literature