Alright, stackers, let’s set the record straight: I know the last time I wrote a funny exploration of 20 types of SN users, it wasn’t exactly the Bitcoin equivalent of the Sistine Chapel. If anything, it was more like Ralph Wiggum finger-painting on a Lightning invoice. But hey, I didn’t write it to win awards, I wrote it because we’re all a little Ralph in this space, aren’t we? Anyway, if you want to revisit that delightful dumpster fire of an article, here’s the link 🤠#457413 Go ahead, roast me in the comments when you're done!

Now, I’m taking another crack at it, but this time we’re expanding the scope. Think bigger. Think world-changingly big. Think... Springfield meets Bitcoin. That’s right, I’m diving into the vast, unruly universe of Bitcoiners, and I’m doing it with some help from everyone’s favorite dysfunctional town.

Homer’s foray into Bitcoin begins with a single satoshi he found while clicking an ad promising "FREE MONEY." Naturally, he forgets about it until BTC moons, then cashes out at $69k, missing the subsequent pump to $200k. Homer uses Bitcoin to buy Duff beer online anonymously when Marge limits his bar tab.

Marge represents the cautious Bitcoiner who questions everything about the technology. She eventually warms up to BTC after learning it’s a hedge against inflation and a way to secure savings for Maggie’s future. Expect her to dollar-cost average and store her private keys in a Tupperware container labeled "Do Not Touch!"

Bitcoin’s base layer is too slow for Bart’s antics. He hops on Ordinals to create graffiti-style NFTs. His collection, "Don’t Have a Cowcoins," goes viral on Bitcoin’s taproot-activated NFT ecosystem. He also uses BTC to prank-call Moe globally without revealing his identity.

Lisa, ever the idealist, sees Bitcoin as a tool for global change. She runs Lightning nodes for fun, develops open-source wallets, and educates underprivileged communities about decentralized finance. She’s the kind of person who contributes to Bitcoin Core but gets mad when nobody reads her technical documentation.

Moe’s bar has become a local Bitcoin hub. He offers off-chain liquidity swaps and acts as a human ATM, buying and selling sats to his patrons. He keeps his channels balanced with liquidity from bar tabs, becoming a community hero for no-KYC transactions.

Naturally, Mr. Burns mines Bitcoin—but only with coal-powered electricity. Despite his exploitative methods, he admires Bitcoin’s ability to bypass sanctions and fund shadowy billionaires. His downfall? Forgetting his seed phrase after being electrocuted by a rogue Tesla coil.

Smithers advocates for Bitcoin mining powered by renewable energy, aiming to offset Burns’ antics. He’s the face of Springfield’s “Green Hashrate Initiative,” pushing for a future where Bitcoin supports clean energy grids globally.

Ned, ever the good neighbor, uses Bitcoin to collect anonymous donations for church projects. He even convinces Rev. Lovejoy to hold some sats for the church’s emergency fund, arguing that "God’s money" should also be sovereign.

Milhouse gets hooked on leverage trading after watching a YouTuber shill "20x longs". Predictably, he loses everything during a liquidation cascade but still dreams of buying a Lambo with sats he doesn’t have.

Apu integrates BTC payments into the Kwik-E-Mart. He gives discounts to customers who pay in Bitcoin and even educates them on using Lightning wallets. He’s the Springfield pioneer of retail crypto adoption.

Wiggum tries to track down a mysterious wallet connected to illegal donut transactions. While he’s hilariously bad at understanding privacy tech like CoinJoin, his enthusiasm for fighting “crypto crimes” is unmatched.

Comic Book Guy refuses to acknowledge altcoins. He writes lengthy Medium articles titled “The One Coin to Rule Them All” and moderates Bitcoin subreddits with an iron fist. His seed phrase? Written in Klingon, of course.

Skinner uses Bitcoin mining to keep the school budget afloat after funding cuts. His setup consists of repurposed cafeteria refrigerators that somehow manage to hash blocks despite constant short-circuiting.

They’re not entirely sold on Bitcoin but love blockchain’s “potential”and shitcoinery scene. Expect them to show up at Springfield meetups pitching multi-level-marketing schemes involving "decentralized smoking rewards."

Bob embraces BTC for darker purposes, leaving cryptic ransom notes requiring payment in sats. Springfield police struggle to follow his trail due to CoinJoin and Tor-enabled transactions.

Krusty hides his wealth in Bitcoin to dodge Springfield’s oppressive taxes. Unfortunately, he forgets to set up a multi-sig wallet and loses half his fortune to a phishing scam.

Otto lives the dream of a self-sovereign Bitcoiner. He travels the world with just his phone, using Bitcoin to pay for everything from bus fuel to concert tickets, all while keeping his keys securely offline.

Dr. Nick accepts Bitcoin for medical consultations, especially from international patients. His Lightning invoices make him the go-to doctor for anyone with questionable health insurance.

Ralph unknowingly becomes a Bitcoin whale after inheriting a wallet from his Uncle Herb. “I’m helping the economy!” he exclaims while transferring 100 BTC to his Lightning account.

This iconic duo uses Bitcoin for meme warfare. Their shorts feature exaggerated critiques of fiat money, drawing millions of viewers and driving Bitcoin adoption through satire.

Of course yes, Bitcoin fits into every corner of Springfield life, from Moe’s tavern to Lisa’s activism. It’s a tool for everyone, whether you’re mining for financial independence, stacking sats for the future, or just using it to buy another round of Duff beer. Now, what about you, reader? Which Springfield Bitcoiner are you? Drop some sats below if this resonates—and remember, Bitcoin is for everyone, even Ralph.

Now, what about you, reader? Which Springfield Bitcoiner are you? Drop some sats below if this resonates, and remember, Bitcoin is for everyone, even Ralph.