Look, I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I never intended to start a series of articles on my non-existence. Back in my religious/anti-religious 90's-2000's bulletin board days, (anyone remember theglobe.com? it was not uncommon to get into debates about the existence or non-existence of a higher power. What was never a topic was whether or not the other person you were posting with was real or not, unless the subject had strayed into Descartes. The solipsistic inference then was that you could only be arguing with either a demon or something you made up to torture yourself with, and so the argument would collapse. I never dreamed that Amazon would use it as a kind of business plan for dealing with tech support aided by none other than the BBB. I mean, I guess I sorta suspected it, perhaps even saw it implemented in software companies a time or two, but well, you are just gonna have to read on to see what I mean.
For reference, you might want to know about my first post. Then you might need to read my second post.
Before we begin discussing what the BBB decided to do with this, I want to remind you, gentle reader, that Amazon has a library that probably rivals the Vatican. Let this be a lesson to you. You can own a lot of books, and still be functionally retarded. I mean that in the truest sense of the word "retard"--that is development that is stunted in a way that deviates from normal patterns of growth. It does not surprise me we cannot settle larger matters in the country if we cannot decide, on a small scale, that a person exists and that using their credit card from 7 years ago is not good security policy for ascertaining that person's existence nor is denying their existence on the phone a great way to gain meaningful resolution then we probably are not going to solve things like the Middle East. Neither Amazon nor the BBB could understand, apparently, with any clarity, that all you have to do in this scenario is pick a more recent credit card. Actually, at this point, don't even do that. I don't trust them to know what that means. Do what my bank does and ask me what my first car was, or what my mother's maiden name was. If it is good enough for all of my money to potentially be in, it's good enough for a freaking amazon account where I might, once in a great while, buy a book or sell my own.
So now, without further delay, I give you the BBB's reply:
Thank you for following up with BBB regarding your position in the above-mentioned dispute.
We understand you are NOT satisfied with the business’s response, and have noted your dissatisfaction in our files. While we regret we were unable to reach your desired resolution, the business has provided BBB with its position and addressed the issues raised in your complaint. There is nothing further BBB can require of them at this time, and therefore the case has been closed. It will appear in the company’s BBB Business Profile as: “Answered - the business addressed the issues within the complaint, but the consumer either a) did not accept the response, OR b) did not notify BBB as to their satisfaction.” If you have concerns that they have not addressed, BBB may be able to re-open your case and send your concerns to the company. However, if it’s a re-argument of your case, we will not be able to do so.
BBB is a neutral third party that assists in opening the lines of communication between consumers and businesses, and reports on complaints received and how a company responds to those complaints. Please note, the text of your response may be publicly posted on BBB’s website. BBB reserves the right to not post in accordance with BBB policy, and we may edit your response to protect privacy rights and to remove inappropriate language.
Should you desire additional assistance, you may file a complaint with your local state Attorney General’s office Consumer Protection Division.
We appreciate the opportunity to assist. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me directly.
Sincerely,
(a BBB retard robot)
I'd love to have heard what Amazon's position was. I bet it went like this:
- Dude doesn't exist.
- BBB: So who is emailing us?
- Doesn't have a credit card info from 7 years ago. QED.
- BBB: K.
Here was my complaint:
Needed to change phone number associated with Amazon account. Password and username admit entry, but then ask for an old credit card that hasn't been used in over 7 years as a security check. Contact support by phone, they deny that my account exists at all. Go to twitter support, they point back at phone support being the only solution and then ghost my additional request to talk to someone with authority as I have all the necessary information to confirm that a) the account is real b) I own it and c) I am authorized to change the friggin number. They can use a more recent credit card to verify this. Solution is simple: Stop asking for old information as a security check, notice the other credit cards on the account, ask for one of those instead. (Pretty sure I've tried to delete the old credit card about a thousand times)
And here, gentle reader, was the suggested fix:
Hello JB,
I'm (definitely not from America originally) from Amazon.com. I'm writing in response to a complaint filed on your behalf by the Better Business Bureau BBB - I've provided the BBB with a copy of this message.
I've reviewed your complaint and checked your account in this regard.
Since you are unable to access your amazon account, you need to reach out to our customer service over the phone and get in touch with account change team.
They will assist you further in this matter. Here's a link to our Contact Us page:
We look forward to seeing you again soon.
If you can spot the problem with the solution, reader, then you are smarter than both the BBB and Amazon and probably have a bright future somewhere that is at neither of those places!
I'm left wondering, is Amazon really that stupid, and is the BBB also that stupid, or is it intentionally malicious? It kinda reminds me of the movie Office Space. Possibly it reminds me of Monty Python and the parrot guy at the petstore. Short of inventing a time machine to look at my card from 7 years ago, it seems we are stuck. Pity I don't exist now to be able to do that. Am I gonna be playing guitar and have my arm disappear next?
If you can think of any other solution, post it in the comments! (If you are gonna say don't use Amazon, yeah, I know. I don't really care if I get the account back or not at this point. It's more an exercise in Existentialism. I email and post therefore I am type-stuff.)