what do you think is the ultimate test of growth, and self-realization? for me, i think it's living abroad.

mind you, this is the first time i have been on my own. like ever. never went away to college. never got the chance to study abroad. i mean i wanted to, but that wasn't gonna happen since covid was still a thing at the time. and by the time college was over, i didn't have much going for me. two and a half years went by, and i thought "well, it's now or never."

and let me tell you, there is nothing truly like it. being able to pack up your entire life into suitcases takes a different type of courage and strength that most people don't have. i thought i didn't, but i did. and i strongly believe everyone does too.

the first step was booking the airplane ticket. never in my life had it been so hard to click a button on my laptop. i almost threw up because of how much anxiety was going through my brain. everything became real after that. and what was actually supposed to be a month away, turned into two weeks.

i was scrambling to wrap up any loose ends or adulting things i needed to take care of, as well as pack up my stuff, spend as much time as i could with my family, friends, and boyfriend, and go to all my favorite places one final time. i thought i was supposed to feel excited about going away because i've done nothing but talk about it for the past year. but on the inside, i just got so depressed and sad as the day to leave got closer and closer.

the morning of my departure hurt. i bid my farewell to my parents, and what makes it even more sad is i didn't get a chance to see my sister before i left. one of the things i am most thankful for was my boyfriend did come with me for a week to make sure i got settled into my apartment okay.

and when he left, i was then truly alone.

the first two weeks? fucking. BRUTAL.

first, i realized that japan is romanticized as fuck. the location of where i am at? still hate it to this day. the weather is shit. it's either cold, windy and rainy, snowing, all three of those in one day, or like sunny for two hours. also, there is hardly anything to do that is close by. i am still counting the days when i move out of this area. second, the sheer amount of times i cried out of frustration and sadness. i honestly thought i was gonna die, no kidding. food didn't sound appetizing anymore, and i didn't want to get out of bed even though i hardly slept. i also stared at the wall of family and friend photos for hours with red and puffy eyes because of how lonely i felt. lastly, don't get me started on the stupidly vague working contracts. they throw everything at you when you get here, and whatever is in writing? usually not abided by. i was basically telling people how to do their jobs, and negotiating to be treated like a human being. for those things alone, i had to quit because no one is paying me enough to do that.

it felt like absolute hell on earth, and i felt like was going to last FOREVER. there were many times where i was about to buy a plane ticket home. but i am so so SO GLAD i didn't. because despite all those things, you eventually find your way. i survived it, and i am still here right now.

although my time here is being cut short, every single second has been worth the personal growth and learning experience. i have also better realized the things i want in life, and so much more clarity with what i want to do. through all the shit i went through, i still have a love for japan, just with opened eyes.

i think what i am trying to get at is in order to really grow and see the potential you really have, it is absolutely essential to seek discomfort.

if you allow this, it changes you for the better. it really does.