You're happily talking with your partner, then notice out of the corner of your eye that they left their dirty socks on the floor — again. You feel a surge of anger, any good feelings immediately fading away. All you can see are the socks, and all you can now think about are all of the other times they let you down. You snap at them, "Why can't you ever do what you promise you'll do?!"

In this moment, your entire experience has been colored by the intense emotion that you're feeling. This is called the refractory state, a term coined by UC San Francisco psychologist Paul Ekman.

When you're in the refractory state, you are temporarily unable to look for or internalize any new information that doesn't 'fit' with the emotion you're feeling. All you can focus on is the source of your anger, or look for more reasons to be angry, or think about why your anger is justified.

The refractory state can last for a second or two, or last for many minutes. It all depends on our past history, our overall well-being, our choices in the moment, and how the other people involved behave.

Here's a tip that can change your life.

Make it a rule for yourself: I will never make a decision in the middle of an emotional wave. Instead, I will wait it out, take some space, and care for myself until it passes — then, and only then, I will choose how I want to respond.

Once the emotion has passed, you'll be far more able to tap into your wisdom and connect to your compassion.