And in the case of theft, you have to deal with out of band payment via one of the transaction accelerator services offered by miners.

You might not even know how much a miner will get paid to mine it and so it could be very difficult to find a high enough rate for rbf or cpfp.

If anti theft is the use case, you should probably assume that the thief is taking the transaction directly to a miner and skipping mempool propagation altogether.