Dealing with Dog Loss with a Little Kid \ stacker news ~Dogs_And

2265 sats \ 11 comments \ @Undisciplined 3 Feb Dogs_And_Cats

Our dog died a few months ago. Obviously, that's been a difficult loss on it's own, but it hasn't been the most difficult part.

We really weren't sure how our daughter would respond to it. She was three at the time and had only somewhat recently shown much interest in the dog. I don't think she even noticed for about a week. Eventually, though, she did ask where the dog was and we really struggled to explain that she was gone.

At three, our daughter didn't understand death and we didn't want to scare her, so we tried to just say that our dog was gone, without being too specific. We thought she might accept that in the same way she sometimes accepts that a broken or lost toy is gone.

It became clear though that she had come to really care about her dog. Every so often she would ask where her friend was and say she missed her. She would tell stories about where the dog was, but then ask when she was coming back.

My confession is that I've been completely unequipped emotionally for this. Thank goodness my wife has been able to step up. On one hand, I'm glad our daughter came to care about our dog enough to miss her so much, but I still haven't figured out how to handle it myself.

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530 sats \ 3 replies \ @hodlpleb 3 Feb

My opinion

You have to reinforce that the dog is not coming back. Do not give them some kind of hope that dog is on a trip, at a farm, etc

Let your kid say whatever they have to say, whenever they feel f compelled to do so

My kid was 3 when their aunts dog died. We had them say goodbye ahead of time. My kid then became mildly “obsessed” with death, talking about everyone dying, etc. I do not think the parent resisting this is good. You’ve got to let them process. It took a long while, but the death obsession did go away and now does not even remember that dog.

21 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 3 Feb

Thanks. That is what we ended up doing pretty quickly. First, we just emphasized that she was gone and not coming back, but we did tell her that our dog died after that.

I guess we were trying to thread a needle that really wasn't possible. We didn't want her to worry that if she got sick she was going to die like the dog, or that her grandparents are about to die because they're old like the dog.

I do think now that it just has to be dealt with head on.

411 sats \ 1 reply \ @hodlpleb 3 Feb

We recently had a smaller, non-dog/cat pet die suddenly. In the matter of a day it went from "something is odd here" to dead. It was really dramatic and was interesting to see our 8 year old immediately say "can we get another one???" , which I guess is a normal thing for kids to say.

We had them say goodbye while they still could, then we did a funeral a few days later. The 8 year old went out to visit the grave the next day, but now it's been months and nobody has said much about it.

If you haven't done some kind of ceremony, it might help bring some closure for the kids, and you.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 3 Feb

some kind of ceremony

In hindsight, I think this is where we messed up. At the time it really was unclear how our daughter would process the death. If it were happening now, there's no question that we would have let her be more involved.

That said, I don't think she's struggling with closure. She just wants to look at pictures every so often and sometimes she says something that catches me off-guard emotionally.

411 sats \ 1 reply \ @OriginalSize 3 Feb

As a parent I know it's hard because we like to idealize the experience that our kids have and that we wish for them to have.

I've come to understand death as a natural part of the cycle of life and this is what I want to impart to the next generation. It's natural to fear it, to not want to talk about it, to try and come up with alternate stories, to shield others from pain, but ultimately I think it's better to go into it with a realism and a positivity.

I loved my dog as a kid and was there and fully aware when it was clear her time had come. After the acknowledgement of the event it was good to let her go. I think back on her fondly and I know in some idealized version of a dog's wishes that she wouldn't want me to stop everything to grieve for too long. That's what I hope for my own loved ones about me. On balance she had a good life.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 3 Feb

To some degree we were definitely attempting to shelter our daughter from pain, but it was mostly about thinking she was just too young to understand. As she's become more articulate, we're learning that she understood much more than we realized.

I appreciate the sentiments. No doubt our dog would want us to be as happy as possible.

411 sats \ 4 replies \ @grayruby 3 Feb

Ugh this is such a difficult problem. When we lost our guinea pig we told our daughter that Copper had to go to the vet because she wasn't well and she was too sick to come back.

Loss is really difficult to discuss with kids. Whether it be a pet or family member. It is actually a bit easier with little kids though. My wife's mom passed away almost two years ago and I had to tell my son because my wife was distraught and had to be the one to tell her dad. My son was 11 at the time so there was no "little kid" story I could make up to soften the blow, I just had to tell him. It broke his heart. I still get a little queasy thinking about it to be honest.

Being a parent can be excruciating at times. We love them beyond comprehension, want to protect them and never have them suffer and in times of loss when we have to tell them of the loss, we are the ones inflicting the suffering. Part of the job, I guess.

Fortunately being a parent is also the most rewarding job one can have.

100 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 3 Feb

The timing was just brutal. A few months earlier and I think she wouldn't have formed a strong attachment yet. A few months later and I think we could have talked to her about it.

But then I tell myself that if it had been a few months earlier she would have missed out on loving her dog (and I'm glad our dog finally got to experience some of the fun part of having a kid in the house). And, if it had been a few months later the loss would have been much more painful.

411 sats \ 2 replies \ @grayruby 3 Feb

Good that she got to enjoy having a dog. The next one you get will likely be with her for her whole childhood into her teen years and hopefully beyond if it lives a long life.

50 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 3 Feb

That's the hope.

I'm sorry your son had to deal with his grandma's loss at that age. I was a few years younger when my grandpa died and honestly it barely registered. Then I was an adult when my other grandpa died, so I was able to handle it.

We're very fortunate in still having all four grandparents in the picture, but their ages and health are such that we know we might have to start dealing with that type of loss in the not super distant future.

411 sats \ 0 replies \ @grayruby 3 Feb

My heart broke for him. I lost my first grandparent around the same age he was but in my case my grandmother had been sick for awhile so it wasn't unexpected. In the case of my wife's mom it was a total shock. It is actually somewhat fortunate that it occurred while we were in Texas visiting and were able to extend our stay and help my wife's dad out.