How I write
—
Absolute_Reality_v16_A_bustling_metropolis_of_towering_newspap_0.jpg—I thought it might be interesting to think about why I want to write something on SN now. I already wrote something which took me more than I initially planned but that is kind of the point. Let me explain.
Shades of Grey
My reply started with looking at @k00b's changes and realizing that he might have done the same mistake I initially did: the existing code didn't care about multiple pins next to each other so after a pin an unpinned item always followed.
That was no problem before since that was never the case. But now it could be the case. I replied that this means that my code changes weren't clear enough and then I wanted to respond to everything else, too. I don't want to look like I just ignored everything else.
Also, this might actually be my favorite part of working with @k00b: He takes his time to make sure I understand why he changed some code so I can "level up faster" (quote from him that he mentioned early on when I joined SN which stuck).
So I read his other comments and like the person I am, I wanted to make sure I understand exactly what he means. But I also have this tendency to make sure I understand what other people mean since only then I can find loopholes in their arguments without embarrassing myself—since else the loophole might actually just turn out to be me not reading their reply properly.
How dare someone criticize my code! I better make sure that's reasonable critic.
So you can see this like playing a high-risk, high-reward game. I think that's also why I chose the field of ~security (not only in cyberspace) as part of my focus in life: it's usually a high-risk, high-reward game (it's hard to find zero-days) and when you found a loophole, your options for exploitation are endless. It's like stumbling into a secret area of life and being faced with a lot of doors and which door you take will shape who you are; not only in front of others but most importantly in front of yourself. There is no one you can ask, no network access, no way out. Additionally, these doors aren't black and white. Most of them are shades of grey:
A computer security researcher who has inadvertently violated the law during the course of her investigation faces a dilemma when thinking about whether to notify a company about a problem she discovered in one of the company’s products. By reporting the security flaw, the researcher reveals that she may have committed unlawful activity, which might invite a lawsuit or criminal investigation. On the other hand, withholding information means a potentially serious security flaw may go unremedied.
— Electronic Frontier Foundation, A "Grey Hat" Guide
Additionally, you sometimes take a door that you think is more white than black but after you entered it, and looked around in the room, you realize it's a dark and empty place and the door behind you is locked now—assuming you can even find it again in the darkness.
But I am getting off track here. Guess I have to find a way back anyway (pun intended).
Writing as an Antidote
The only known antidote to the Equation are the concepts of Freedom and Hope; the New Genesis hieroglyph of Freedom, called the Metron Emblem, significantly wears down the formula's ability to dominate other wills, allowing the infected to fight against the Equation and win while exposed to the symbol.
— DC Comics Database, Anti-Life Equation
So I explained why I like to find loopholes with a code review as an analogy. But what does this have to do with how I write?
As mentioned before, I am convinced that writing is the same as thinking, just in a more profound, accountable, conscious and aware way:
This also has a very nice feeling of symbiosis. To have something to write, I need to experience things I can write about. And to experience things in a more profound way, I need to write about them. Writing is Thinking.
The best example for this is how I just come up with stuff while writing and then I search for them and find unexpected interesting stuff. It's as if my writing routes interesting stuff into my brain; I don't even necessarily need others for that:
During the years 1942 to 1948, the passing away of a dear daughter, his devoted (if somewhat "bossy") and beloved wife, and his revered mother, and the horrible violence and turbulence of India’s independence and subsequent partition, could not shake Maharaj’s enlightened equanimity, which treats all happenings as the dream-drama of an unborn, undying, universal consciousness. Fully awake, nothing can disturb one who abides as transcendental, absolute Awareness beyond its play of consciousness.
— Nisargadatta Maharaj, Life & Teachings of Bombay's Fiery Sage of Liberating Wisdom
For example, I didn't know about the Anti-Life equation before writing this but reading about it was intriguing. I was just thinking about how I essentially use writing as a means to a happier life. And this happiness comes from being more aware of how I feel, what I think about, knowing why I think about the things I think about and sharing these thoughts with others so we can have a weird dance:
I remembered the one major reason why I like to write. I like to write because I like to read what other people think. It makes me feel connected to them. Writing can be about sharing intimate thoughts in a very scalable way. And just like these people shared their thoughts with me, I want to reciprocate and share my thoughts with them; in the hope it might give them a similar feeling so we can feel connected together. Like some weird dance of thoughts with emergent properties where something might come out of it but even if nothing comes out of it, it was still worth it. Like musicians that don't play to reach the end of the song, but playing is the goal.
The same is true for the EFF article. I have not read this article before but while writing about the reason for my passion for ~security, I realized how the most interesting part for me might indeed be that you have a choice choices and that most of them are the aforementioned shades of grey. Wouldn't it be boring if everything is black and write white in an obvious way? Would that still be considered to have a choice choices?
What is black and white without the endless shades of grey in between?
I feel like I didn't mention what I initially wanted to mention but I forgot about it. I also feel like I mentioned what needs to be mentioned.
I also don't feel like writing any more currently. It's almost 8 am and the coffee shop I regularly visit (I consider this to be a bad habit) is opening.
Oh, I remember now. I also wanted to mention that my Z2Z series didn't feel like I was hitting my nerve. It was just a glimpse of what writing could achieve for me. That's why I needed to stop to rethink not lightning but how I want to write.
I also wanted to mention that posts like these are what I mentioned here with "you're not going to miss them":
Anyway, great post as ever. I'll miss them when they're gone.Thanks and trust me, you're not going to miss them :)
At least I hope so. :)
No footnotes this time? Crazy.
Footnotes