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1194 sats \ 1 reply \ @cryotosensei 20 Jan \ on: Zap to Zero Day 22 | Bikeshedding meta
Wow, thanks for surfacing my parenting post and more importantly, highlighting the bit that you resonated with.
I may be playing the victim card here but heck. Part of what angers me in my parenting journey is how the narrative in Singapore has always been about the financial costs of raising kids. We had a parenting campaign whose slogan was “Have three or more, if you can afford it”. I welcome the baby bonuses and free vaccinations and other monetary incentives - but I feel sick that the non-monetary costs are hardly discussed. It’s such a simplistic and reductionist approach of framing things. You highlighting that part made me feel that my pains are acknowledged. I don’t even need to feel accepted. That’s why I barely flinched when 1-2 Stackers basically asked me to man up in the kindest way they could haha. Because I felt heard.
I want to share something that none of the Stackers talked about but really helped me tremendously. It happened last December when I was watching a Japanese celebrity undergoing a fortune-telling session. The celebrity asked the fortune-teller if he should get married. The fortune-teller said that regardless of whether he got married or not, he would regret it because he hates feeling trapped. A case of darn if you do, darner if you don’t.
I just felt so relieved hearing those words because basically that’s it: I hate feeling trapped. Then I came across this fabulous quotation by Soren Kierkegaard 1813–55:
My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it—you will regret both.
I won’t call it an epiphany but this bolt of realisation just made all the mental clutter and swirling feelings settle down like sentiments on the rock bed.
I regret becoming a father.
But I also know that I will regret not becoming a father.
I think this quotation helps me because it makes me realise that there are assorted costs related to either choice. Life is complicated as such.
I hope this helps you when you come to that stage in life.
Nonetheless, I’m so glad I posted that post because I apply these pieces of advice put forth by Stackers in my life these days:
Trim the fat. Make him love reading. Tell yourself “I get to do it” rather than “I have to do it”. Remember your wife is as burnt out as you are. Building a family is long-lasting; working as a corporate rat is temporary. Keep in mind the low time-preference. Do things to enjoy your kids. The storm will pass.
I tell myself this every day ☝️😃
I want to share something that none of the Stackers talked about but really helped me tremendously. It happened last December when I was watching a Japanese celebrity undergoing a fortune-telling session. The celebrity asked the fortune-teller if he should get married. The fortune-teller said that regardless of whether he got married or not, he would regret it because he hates feeling trapped. A case of darn if you do, darner if you don’t.I just felt so relieved hearing those words because basically that’s it: I hate feeling trapped. Then I came across this fabulous quotation by Soren Kierkegaard 1813–55:My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it—you will regret both.I won’t call it an epiphany but this bolt of realisation just made all the mental clutter and swirling feelings settle down like sentiments on the rock bed.I regret becoming a father. But I also know that I will regret not becoming a father.I think this quotation helps me because it makes me realise that there are assorted costs related to either choice. Life is complicated as such.
Ohh, that's a great way to look at it! I also came to this realization a while ago.
Most of the times, (hard) decisions are not about not regretting the decision ever, but regretting them less and shorter than the alternatives. Especially when the decisions are hard, it's just about trade-offs. Knowing what is more important to you in the long run. There is no "perfect decision".
For example, will I regret speaking up or will I regret not speaking up? I will regret both in some way but I will regret more and longer when I don't speak up. Life isn't fair but it's good to know that it isn't.
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