Here's a story about some relatives of mine, an elderly couple, how they planned to take care of themselves later in life, and how it's been turning out.
The husband was big planner, in his career he managed huge multi-million dollar projects for large entities. They have a significant amount of assets, not huge, but enough.
Years ago, the husband searched extensively for the best continuing care facility around. Continuing care facilities are a type of retirement community, desiged to keep people in the same place as they age and have different needs. They're usually very expensive. They visited multiple facilities, and decided on one that was very highly ranked, and definitely had luxurious surroundings.
They got on the wait list, which was LONG, many years. Finally this past year they were lucky enough to get into this facility. The move and transition (they got rid of a lot of stuff but still brought a mountain of things) was a huge stressor, even with help.
And now they're in this facililty. The place is definitely nice to look at, quite luxurious. And there's features you could boast about. HOWEVER in visiting, the thing that struck me most was...how dead it seemed. Nobody was walking around. Even in the main community area, almost nobody was around. I think all the residents just stay inside their apartments/homes.
The employees were not terribly unfriendly, but they definitely weren't overflowing with friendliness. Yes, it was luxurious, but lifeless. One person with a dog that I chatted with a bit, and thought was a resident - turns out she was a paid dogwalker.
My relatives have almost not used the community restaurant at all. You can get meals delivered to the home, and they do that. I think it's because the restaurant is "fancy", white tablecloth, and so they think they need to dress up (and maybe most people do), so they don't want the cognitive strain. They haven't used the gym, or anything else.
What they need most is getting out into the world, taking a little walk in a place where there's a little bit of life, someone to encourage them to get out and meet people, and maybe go to the gym. But with all the luxury, there doesn't appear to be someone at this very expensive facility who visits, see's how they're adjusting, suggests that they actually use the gym, tries to help them solve the little problems of daily life (how can you order things online if your computer skills have decayed)?
What are your experiences with care of elderly relatives? What are your plans for taking care of yourself, later in life?
To me this is a close relative of @k00b's post on culture. The truth of the matter is that the things you need to make life tolerable (to say nothing of making it beautiful) are cultural products, including human interaction with mutual support and care. These things have only a thin economic shadow.
The situation with aging, where people need increasing amounts of care as they get older, can be solved only very poorly using purely economic tools. Even if you have twenty million dollars it won't be enough, even if you have nicer and more competent and less stressed people taking care of you it won't be enough. What you need is not something a market can provide, not really.
You can't make up for a community with a purely economic community. It's like making up for food with meal replacement bars -- for a while it will "work", but you will slowly (or not so slowly) notice things going haywire.
POSTSCRIPT: speaking of evergreen content, someone just zapped some sats to this older comment which seems a very relevant bit of serendipity for the current discussion.
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Very well written.
The truth of the matter is that the things you need to make life tolerable (to say nothing of making it beautiful) are cultural products, including human interaction with mutual support and care. These things have only a thin economic shadow.
I remember a post from a long time ago (on another forum) that really struck me. Basically the author was giving recommendations on how to pick a retirement community. And he made the point multiple times - do NOT go into a high end, expensive retirement community. I think he had experienced the same type of thing that I have seen just recently. Luxury on the surface, but nothing underneath. No community, no relationships.
And here's the thing - this couple I'm referencing, they actually did have a very vibrant community life, full of activities, volunteer efforts, visits with relatives, up until maybe 10 years ago. Then I think as older friends died, as their area changed, community shriveled.
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And here's the thing - this couple I'm referencing, they actually did have a very vibrant community life, full of activities, volunteer efforts, visits with relatives, up until maybe 10 years ago. Then I think as older friends died, as their area changed, community shriveled.
Part of this is an inexorable force -- if you live long enough, your friends will move away and die. Certainly the larger world will change, including some of the things you love.
But other things aren't inevitable. You can work to curate a community, attend to your friends, care for them, actively maintain the things you have and treasure. It's weird (to me) how unnatural this seems, though. Like, my default behavior is to just assume it will all be fine, that these things that are so dear to me are mine by rights, they are physical laws, like gravity. I guess even still the mainstream culture makes it relatively easy to have some of that, for a while. But as you age, the degree to which those beliefs are delusional becomes clear.
I'm trying to figure out how to get in front of that. Part of it is filling my world with people I care about and who return the favor, and who will spend conscious effort on it, the way you'd consciously tend a garden. Being aware can go a long way, I think. And yet my behavior falls so far short, even with this intention! It's one of the scariest things to face, honestly.
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This makes me grateful for the place my dad lives. Very active community there, and many residents eat dinner together in the communal dining room daily. Food is excellent too. But tbh most of the time I go there there isn't usually a lot of people roaming around. A lot of people are out at dinner time, and you'll see groups in common rooms gathered for some activity, but otherwise people tend to be in their apartments. I think they're just old and walking is difficult.
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Sounds like the place has good "bones" at least -- the elements of community exist and can be cultivated.
It's an interesting exercise to think of what the next step would be, to make it better?
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