I realize that a bunch of other people have given you advice on this already, but here's my attempt. I'm going with the "easiest and cheapest approach you might actually use" route, as I've been in your shoes before and understand what would probably be the best way to do this.

I'll assume with this that you're not registered on any other exchanges. Uphold sucks, by the way, their fees are ludicrous and they don't allow withdrawal of your assets to many of the networks they claim to "support".

Seeing as the majority of your funds are in BAT, I would first trade that into ETH, if they have a BAT/ETH pair, so you don't incur an additional fee on swapping from BAT > USD and then ETH > USD again, you can go BAT > ETH and then swap out all of the ETH > USD, since you might not even qualify to do a transaction for as low as under $1. Again, you may not be able to do the same with your RUNE, but you can try swapping that out to USD as well.

Here's the step I'm sure many here will disagree with, but I'll hold firm on my advice since you're messing with under $10 here. I would take that USD you accumulate on Uphold and use it to buy something with the lowest transfer fees possible. Been a while since I've been on Uphold, but the idea of using XRP is only a good idea until you realize that all XRP wallets require you have a "deposit" amount of 10 XRP minimum on your self-custody wallet, so that right there would eat up about 50% of your funds.

If they have Solana on Uphold, or XLM (Stellar), I would go with that. Or Nano. In that order of preference...Nano has kind of fallen into the shitter and few places use it anymore. If you go with Solana the fees on it will be negligible, and they probably have a very low minimum withdrawal amount, as the fees to withdraw will be like 0.002 SOL or so from the exchange (which is like 4 cents or so, in reality they are only paying about 1/4 of a cent). You can withdraw it to your own self-custody wallet, I would suggest using the "Phantom" wallet (phantom.app is the website). It's quite simple to use and set up, on mobile or desktop. Solflare is another good wallet for Solana as well.

If you have to go with Stellar instead, the best wallet that I know of for it is the LOBSTR wallet (on mobile) or the xBull wallet (on desktop, it's a chrome/brave extension). On Stellar you have a similar situation as XRP but the deposit minimum for your wallet is only 1.5 XLM which currently is about 20 cents, give or take. On SOL there is no such minimum.

Once you have the funds on Solana, I would suggest that the route you go is either to use a decentralized swap service like Fixedfloat -- it's a self-custody swap service and they support lightning BTC. You basically go to their site (if you're in the USA you'll have to use a VPN FYI) and then choose to do a swap from Solana to Lightning BTC. You should make sure to leave a tiny amount of SOL in your wallet for the fees, somewhere around 0.02 or 0.03 SOL is more than enough.

The way that Fixedfloat works is that once you generate the swap you can either pick from a set fee (which is 1%) or a float fee (which is 0.5%), the difference being on a float fee you can potentially get more or less of what you are swapping for depending on if the market moves in the time it takes to do the swap. Since the process of this will be near instantaneous given that Solana takes 400 milliseconds for a transaction to confirm, and BTC on lightning takes about the same amount of time or less, you can safely choose the lesser fee and be fine with it.

Once you put in the numbers of what you're sending (the amount of SOL will be around 0.5 SOL given current market prices) it'll show you on the screen how much BTC you're expected to get.

Now the last thing we need to do is have a wallet for you to receive the BTC on lightning with. If you're on desktop PC, I would recommend going with the Alby wallet. The website is https://getalby.com -- of course there are going to be people on here who, like much of the rest of my comment, will disagree with me and say you should be running your own self custodied lightning wallet and own node and blah blah blah. Don't listen to them, this is insane. On mobile there are a few different options, people tend like Breez, Phoenix or Wallet of Satoshi for mobile LN. To be honest there's not really a good mobile (or desktop) self-custody LN wallet solution available yet, so I would say go with Alby and be done with it. Make sure you save all of your information in your password manager or somewhere else safe, including somewhere you can write it down offline.

To receive the funds from Fixedfloat to get your lightning BTC in your Alby wallet, you just click on "receive" in the wallet UI and you enter in the number of sats you are expecting (optional) and then click generate to generate a LN "invoice", this is basically a long ass string of letters and numbers that tells the Fixedfloat site (or anything else you're doing with lightning) where to send the funds to, how much, a note if they want to include it, etc. Just copy and paste it into the Fixedfloat site and then click to process the transaction. It should all take like literally under 30 seconds.

Then you're done, and you've got yourself some BTC on lightning network.

Once you figure things out and stack some sats on here or elsewhere in the LN ecosystem (you'll find people can be quite generous and kind if you're not an asshole and are contributing actually useful/interesting material, not spamming for sat tips lol) you can always swap your LN BTC back out to mainnet bitcoin quite easily.

I prefer the fantastic swap service (that I learned about here, actually) called BOLTZ -- they are the only one that I use for swapping bitcoin into lightning network bitcoin, and vice versa. Their fees are incredibly low, next to nothing (especially from mainnet BTC > lightning -- the other way around can be a tad costly depending on the current rate on the mainchain, when average fees were at ~44 sat/vB earlier today, the cost to do a swap of around $50 of lightning BTC back to mainnet BTC would've cost me ~$3.50, just FYI) and it's all done non-custodially, in your own wallet. I would suggest leaving this end of things until you have other stuff figured out, and you can figure out what kind of a wallet you want to use on your bitcoin journey. But if you do this and get yourself your sats on lightning network, you're already like 90% of the way there in my opinion, don't let anyone get you down or discourage you.

Welcome, by the way. Sooner or later this sort of thing tends to happen to everyone and they realize that the only real option for staying in this "space" and remaining sane is to embrace inevitability and join with the bitcoin 'maximalists'. Feel free to let me know if you need any help, sorry for writing this long-ass novel.