In relationships, conflict is inevitable.
John and Julie Gottman, the leading researchers in the science of romantic relationships, have discovered that even the happiest couples experience conflict. What's more, nearly 70% of this conflict cannot be resolved; it's based upon fundamental differences between the two people.
But just because conflict is inevitable doesn't mean that we are doomed to be unhappy in our relationships. When we approach conflict in the right way, it can even become something that strengthens our bonds.
Here is a four step process you can use to help you manage conflict in a loving way:
Step 1: Remember your ultimate goal
The happiest relationships are those where both people are invested in three overlapping areas: your well-being, the other person's well-being, and the overall well-being of the relationship.
In the moment of conflict, it can be hard to remember this ultimate goal; but doing so will help you to make the wisest and most compassionate choices. Remind yourself: "My goal is for us to experience well-being as individuals and together."
Step 2: What needs to be repaired?
Where is there hurt in the relationship? If you don't know what has been broken, you won't be able to figure out how to fix it.
This involves looking at both your own pain and at the other person's pain. Start with yourself: where are you hurt and what led to this feeling? Then, ask questions to understand the other person's experience: where are they hurt and what led to this feeling?
Step 3: How can I mend it?
With this awareness, you can figure out the best way to make repairs.
You have many tools in your toolbox: taking time and space for yourself, processing your emotions, asking questions, listening, sharing your feelings, communicating your needs, reflecting on your role, offering specific words, engaging in new actions, setting different boundaries, making amends...
Work with the other person to identify how you both, together, will mend this pain. What actions will you both take to bring love to this moment of hurt?
Step 4: What can I learn from this?
Following the conflict, take some time for individual reflection and consider what this experience has taught you. What has it shown you about how you give and receive love? What might you need to work on within yourself? How might this moment help you to evolve your relationship to reach that ultimate goal we discussed in Step 1?