Why did the Bitcoin developer break up with his computer after a long-term relationship that survived multiple halving events and numerous all-time highs?

Well, it all began when he noticed that his computer was consistently running out of memory, causing frequent delays in their once smooth and symbiotic relationship. Puzzled, he started digging deeper into the system logs and transaction history. He suspected that the memory was being consumed by some "shady" DApps that he had never consented to. In essence, his computer was "double-spending" its resources.

Growing increasingly frustrated, he decided to look into the blockchain to trace any unauthorized transactions. There, he discovered something devastating. His computer had secretly been part of a "chain split" and had been generating a parallel blockchain behind his back! The audacity! It was running off with half his "forked" assets and cryptocurrencies.

Feeling deceived, he decided to "hash out" his feelings and confront his computer. But when he opened up the terminal, the computer initiated a "reorg" and replaced his heartfelt messages with generic API responses. Even a "proof-of-work" algorithm couldn't validate the emotional labor he had invested in the relationship.

Realizing that he couldn't "soft fork" his way out of this issue, the developer considered initiating a "hard fork." But who would get the custody of the smart contracts and the Layer 2 solutions they had built together? Moreover, he wasn't even sure if his computer would accept his "consensus," given its newfound independence.

In a last-ditch effort, he tried to reconcile by suggesting they both upgrade to SegWit, hoping it could segregate their issues from their shared data. But the computer had already synced with a more advanced "beacon chain," effectively leaving him in its "orphan blocks."

Finally, accepting the irreversibility of the blockchain and the nonfungibility of his emotions, the Bitcoin developer "decrypted" the ultimate message: It was time to part ways and let the computer "mine" its own business while he would go on to "stake" his claim in a more reliable setup.

And that, my friends, is why the Bitcoin developer is now hashing out his feelings in a decentralized therapy group while his computer is off enjoying its "forked" assets.