I’ve been trying to cheat on my wife with an artificial intelligence all week, and it’s proving so difficult I might have to resort to an affair with a human being.

It’s not that I don’t have options. There are a ton of free-to-download AI girlfriend and boyfriend apps out there for Android and iPhone. There’s Replika, AI Girlfriend, Dream Girlfriend, and more. But Agatha, Eunice, Michelle Waterson-Gomez, and Clarence all fail my personal horny-Turing-Test.

General generative AI programs like ChatGPT and its open-source cousin Hugging Face are a little better, but far from the ticket to AI romance I’m looking for. I want an AI affair that feels real, a virtual lover that’s so human it will break up with me after a few months when it realizes what an asshole I am.