I am reminded frequently to be grateful I do not live in the UK.

Lord Hanson of Flint, the man chosen to deliver this particularly Orwellian update in the House of Lords, confirmed that Ofcom is expected to start using these powers just as soon as it finishes its report.

“We have set a date of April 2026,” he said, presumably while polishing his best ‘nothing to see here’ smile, “and we expect to act extremely speedily once we have had the report back.”

Baroness Butler-Sloss, clearly tired of waiting for this dystopia to arrive on schedule, pushed for Ofcom to get on with it. “Work to do this now,” she said.

Meanwhile, Baroness Berger popped up to promote something called “upload prevention technology.” It sounds like an antivirus program crossed with a puritanical school principal, and she claimed it can stop harmful content before it spreads. Lovely idea. Also, exactly how Chinese censorship works.

She also accused tech companies of lying when they say scanning encrypted messages isn’t possible. And maybe they are. But when your answer to that is “Well, we’ll just force them to comply by law,” you’re not solving the problem. You’re building a digital panopticon with the grace of a sledgehammer.