"guaranteed to confirm within 5-10 minutes or instantly and don't cost me more than half a penny USD if anything at all"

Yea, because there's no one is using it. Wait until those chains try to scale. They will run into the same issues Bitcoin has, and they would eventually need Lightning as well if they became a global currency. Bitcoin placed higher importance on decentralization and integrity. This matters more on a layer 1 than ANYTHING else.

You are placing the importance on the wrong things, and I would wager it's because deep down you just want to make more fiat.