Some background: I've been leaning towards the depressive side my whole adult life. I've also been a creative spirit and somewhat of a non-conformist - I've always wanted to be an artist, never liked school, never wanted to be a 9-5 wage slave, you know the drill. Now, I've been investing in myself and my ideas for the past 6 years or so, 3 years more aggressively, with varying results. The gist of it all, though, is that my hopes and dreams have not been fulfilled, at least not as well and quickly as I'd like, or as my delusional, romanticizing self had imagined. As such, this year in particular has been quite rough, and while I've been doing my best to mentor myself through it all (i.e. #1201227), living with my parents again in the cold Estonian autumn has been far from easy.
Here are a few excerpts from my journal this month:
October 13, 2025:
I must not try so hard. I have the desire to Become, but I must balance it with the desire to Be.
October 14, 2025:
You gotta snap out of it. You have to start living, whatever it takes. The truth of the matter is, if what you did was really worthwhile, they would respect you. You would not be languishing, at least not to the extent you are right now. It’s been more than a month that you’ve been feeling this unfathomable sense of dread. Your confidence is gone. Your drive is gone. You are holding on to a few thin strings of life, ready to let go. Yet, you claim you have faith. You claim you are Love. Do you? Are you? Where is the belief in your own healing abilities, in your own intrinsic worth? Are you really in love with your fate?
October 24, 2025:
For years, whenever I explain to people what it is that I do, I’ve had to say “I’m trying to do this” and “I’m trying to do that.” I’m tired of trying. I want to do it. I want to be it. I HAVE TO DO IT.
Anyway, even though I haven't written a lot lately, yesterday I wrote a longer entry. Something that brought me some solace again, at least for now. Something that helped me make sense of things, and helped me to be grateful for where & who I am, and what I've done. Today (October 28), I see @billytheked's prompt and then @Akg10s3's post in the Saloon and I'm like, no way. These are more than coincidences. These are synchronicities.
Anyway, here's the journal entry:
BFF: BITCOIN, FREEDOM AND FEARLESSNESS
Written 27 October, 2025
Bitcoin helps you become fearless, if you wish. I’ve made a financial loss on every single creative and entrepreneurial endeavour I’ve undertaken in the past 6 years. And while it hurts - believe me when I say that investing in yourself and constantly losing hurts - not only financially, but more importantly, mentally - I’m certain that had I not taken those chances, my mind, body and soul would be in a far worse situation than they are right now.
Operating within the framework of a sound, uncensorable monetary system grants you the belief in the power of starting anew. So it is freedom go up technology in a very profound sense. You have the freedom to fuck around and find out. It’s going to be painful, God knows it’s painful, to this day I’m in pain, every day, constantly. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. How else am I going to find out who I really am, and what I’m really capable of?
You don’t sit behind a piano and become a virtuoso. You sit behind a piano and you fail, and fail, and fail again, until one day, you start failing a little less.
Bitcoin is simply the assurance that no matter how many times your ego dies, no matter how many times you hit rock bottom, there’s something out there that can help pull you back up.
You can lose it all, but all is never lost.