Everything that I have going on, all my daily routines, my projects and goals, I abandoned for 10 days. I didn’t plan for it, and I’m trying to learn its lesson. Hopefully we will discover this together.

So what happened: It started as a weekend trip out of the city to focus. We booked a cabin out west on a road with no name. We filled three days with relaxing, cooking by the fire, thinking deeply and detailing plans, petting the friendly goats at the campsite, and swimming in the spring-fed river nearby. On our third day, I got a phone call from my mother saying you might want to get here, your grandpa doesn’t have much longer. This call brought me out of my regular life for about a week.

My grandfather had been suffering from a kind of dementia that accelerates quickly. He was in his second year with it when it became too much. He couldn’t sleep, he didn’t know when was day and when was night. When he did sleep, his dreams were real and dangerous. He did not forget people, he knew us all the time, but he could not orient himself inside routine. I had stopped calling him for fear that having to use the phone would trouble him.

The conversation about grandpa’s declining health was ongoing. I wasn’t surprised when my mom spoke of death’s final approach. Still it claimed him quickly. Over the same weekend that I was refreshing my mind and body in the nearness of wild life, my grandpa leaned toward the edge of it. I didn’t make it in time to see him at the end, but he was already so distant that I can’t imagine it would have been a peaceful goodbye. And yet, when a man has lived a full life, and has lived it so well, has loved so many people dearly, isn’t it peaceful to let him go to his rest?

I did find that I was at peace. I walked through his home, rested on the bed where he had laid, and in my mind released him, knowing from now on I have his memory to cherish. I will cherish it well.

In this time I took away from my life, my days went along according to a different speed. I worked with my mom and my aunt to make arrangements for his service. I visited the school I left over ten years ago to pick up my nieces and nephew from their school day. I sorted through old photographs, watched home videos, and found many gems. I fit into the motion of family life which is familiar to me. I let the days wash over me and all this was frictionless. While all the time, I felt the contrast from my personal and real life that was miles away, it didn’t bother me to let it flow differently for a while.

I was in the river. The clean, cold water rushing, always rushing, over the smooth rocks. I positioned myself within the strongest current and welcomed the joyful spinging-forward of life washing over me. I set an intention there, well, really I just worked to bring myself into the presence of that moment, and I think it made a difference.

Is that the lesson? I’m not sure, still thinking it over. And what strikes me is how easy it all was. Situations I faced that I thought would have brought discouragement or confusion or anything didn’t seem to rock my emotions at all. Maybe I’ve done a lot of the prep work. After all, I did write a book about grandpa’s life. (If anything I wrote here could make you curious about him, follow this link for further reading.) Some of my final moments with grandpa felt like profoundly final moments, and these also give me peace.

There is more to say, but much of it is personal and fresh. Therefore, because I want to distill out of my experiences the universality that could be enriching to a reader, I will be working on a new book. This will probably take me quite a long time. I have already been thinking about this book for about five years. I guess there is some connection to who I am now, something I may have gained or lost, that makes it possible to begin.

So here I go, jumping back into my life, my plans, my desires and goals. May they be worthy, let’s hope!

And you should also know, I am working on the Stacker News Zine today and should have it out tomorrow.